Flood Water
Hello everyone! Sorry I’ve been so MIA. I could lie and say that I have been up to something super mysterious and have huge plans that I will be unfolding soon, but the God honest truth is that life has been rough. Working as a nurse for almost 10 years, I thought my hardest years were behind me. Well, yet again I was wrong. Life played that funny trick it often does and shows you that it can definitely do worse. This last year and a half in nursing has destroyed me, emotionally, mentally and physically. As a frontline nurse taking care of patients with COVID-19, I have seen things I can never unsee. I have held the hands of people dying with no one by their side, I have fought for what was right and advocated for those who couldn’t. I have cried on my way home from work too many times to count and swallowed my words when others around me don’t understand what I’m going through.
I never thought I would be here… in this black pit, fighting to keep people alive day in and day out while everyone around me is walking around as if the world is not falling apart underneath them. Ignorance is bliss right? At least that’s what I keep saying to myself in order for it to make sense. “If only they could see what I go through at the hospital, maybe then they would understand”. I say that a lot in my head because maybe if people did actually see what it’s really like, maybe then things would change and people would take responsibility.
Besides the utter collapse of the healthcare system, I have been trying to be a mom. I say “trying” because some days I just feel like a complete failure. My boys are getting older (4½ and 1½) and the attitudes are in full swing. Most days I feel like a referee and I’m just running around trying to stop them from hurting each other. The chores are never ending unlike my patience which seems to run out rather quickly. My therapist recently said that most of us are operating at just above water. A few more drops and our faces would be submerged and we would drown (figuratively of course). Some days we may have 13 drops till we’re under or we may have 2. He followed this up by saying that by taking time for ourselves and doing acts of “self-care”, it allows us a little more room and a extra few drops before we are submerged. I liked this analogue and it helped me see the importance of taking time for ourselves away from our kids or work in order to just gain back a small amount of our sanity. Getting away for a few hours isn’t going to save you, it’s not going to eliminate the downpour, but it may help a little and that could be enough to keep on making it through.
In the midst of dealing with kids and fighting a pandemic, my motivation came to a standstill. It was hard to see the point of it all and I lost sight of what I was fighting for. I forgot my original reason for baking- because I love it! It’s the first bite that some takes out of a cupcake and they make that small sigh and their eyes close a fraction and you know, they love it. I live for those moments of making people happy through food and reliving memories through taste. I love using my hands and creating something that is good and beautiful. So, I will keep trying new things and making fun cakes because I need to do it. It fulfills a part of me that is left bare by everything else that I fill my time with. It is my selfcare and it saves me from that flood that keeps on pouring in. I encourage you to find what it is that helps you keep your head above water and go after it! I hope to be on here more, doing what I love to do and making yummy food!
XO- K
